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| "When action is pure and selfless, everything settles into its own perfect place."
This is an excerpt from verse 3 of the Tao Te Ching (say it like "Dao Dé Jing"). It's intended to be an overarching philosophy on life, but I find it particularly applicable to our own interpersonal relations. I have a theory that there are two ways for a relationship of any kind to have the appearance of being successful. The first way is through mutually beneficial selfishness. In this way, both parties are benefiting equally, but not because of an active intent on either person's part, but because the byproduct of each person's selfishness works well for both people. The other way that relationships can be successful is if both person's are mutually selfless towards each other and constantly putting the other person first. This is the more obvious and well known way. But the quote from the Tao sheds new light on it. In relationships, all you can do is try to be pure and selfless and everything beyond that will go the way it should. If you are pure and selfless and the relationship goes to shit, that's how it should have been and probably tells you a lot about the other person in that relationship (I'm talking about points on the relationship spectrum here from friends to family to lovers). The other side of the coin is, if you take an honest look (hard for some people to do sometimes) and find that the other person was pure and selfless, you can probably point the finger at yourself and your own selfishness as to why the relationship may not have been successful. Usually it's not this cut and dry, it's true. Usually there is mutual blame to be placed, but I like the insight and perspective this provides. | | |
| I'm in a weighty mood. Not in like the sense of feeling overly aware of my weight or something like that, but in the spiritual sense. Just thinking on heavier things.
First off, I was thinking of fears. This may seem kind of obvious, but I've never thought about it before: I think that the physical things that we're afraid of, like heights or spiders or shit like that, correlates pretty closely to the intangible things we're afraid of, like the unknown or abandonment or etc. In my own case, my biggest physical fear is the dark. My biggest intangible fear is the fear of being alone. Essentially when you're in the dark, you're alone. Whether people are around you or not, it doesn't matter because you can't see them. We're the sort of creatures that, for whatever reason, rely more on our sense of sight than any other. So, when in complete darkness, you may hear something even something familiar, but for all intents and purposes it isn't real to most unless we see it. This might also line up with people who have fear of the unknown.
Just a thought. It probably doesn't correlate perfectly as you start running down the possibilities, but I think it's an interesting thought.
I was also thinking about chips. They made me aware of a problem I have. Chips, on the sustenance scale, really don't rate very high. There's not much to them. But when you get really really really really hungry, you'll take what you can get and if potato chips are the first things that you get your hands on, they can be quite satisfying. I was trying to figure out why I was so hungry tonight and why, therefor, I was so satisfied by chips. I think it's because I ate pretty well this last week. I haven't been eaten quite so plentifully within the past few days because I don't have money for groceries. Anyway, this isn't really about food (although it's made me think about how most Americans are addicted to food more than anything else ever... and not in the physical need sort of way). This is about how this principle carries over to make me feel really lonely sometimes. I got dumped recently and felt super down... like maybe more than I should of considering the length of the relationship and such. I think my problem is that I got in too deep with a relationship when I was in high school. I got used to having someone to care about and someone who cared about me on a really deep and intimate level. Once you open up that can of worms, your soul longs for it again, and every little bit you get is like a quick fix, but then when it's gone your starving for it again. 10 handfulls of chips later, I'm still hungry. One quick relationship later, I'm still starved for affection. I'm dealing with it though. I've decided I can't change that I want it. I can affect the way I act though and how I respond to my desires.
That all leads me to my final thoughts. These are probably the most shallow thoughts. This made me think about what I want out of a girl and how that constantly changes with every heartbreak. I was listening to that song by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, "Maps." The chorus line, "They don't love you like I do," makes me wish a woman would sing that to me and really mean it. I want so bad to take care of someone else and to have them want to take care of me. I'd love for her to really care all the time how I'm doing. And then my shallow materialism comes out. I want a girl with pretty dark hair and big brown eyes I can kinda get lost in for a little. I don't want the prettiest girl alive... mainly because I don't think I'd stand a chance with the prettiest girl alive. But I do want a girl who's attractive, at least at first. I'm not a complete idiot, I know the appearances will pass, but while they're available, I'd like to enjoy them. I kinda don't want her music taste to suck either, or at least if it did suck, I'd like her to allow herself to be molded. Just in that one area. I'd love for her to understand me, cus I'm super weird.
That's the abbreviated version.
One more final thought... I think the most fulfilling thing I could do in life, is be a part of bringing reconciliation to people's lives. I don't know how to do that though. | | |
| I get really lonely. All the time. It sucks. It's not for lack of people being around me. I've got plenty of people around me whenever I want. What I don't have is many people who seem like they understand me. I feel so ignored and misunderstood. And now I feel a bit like a cry baby. I think that working at the factory, getting left alone with my own thoughts all day and learning entertain myself for most of those eight hours, I'm going a little crazy. I've learned a few things so far this summer though. First off, routine pisses me off to no end. I thinks that's part of my agitation. It's not just the routine of working 10-6 everyday and doing the same work throughout the week. It's also the routine of relationships and the patterns people fall into and the things that people just accept as normal and OK between people when it's not OK and it shouldn't be normal. I've been seeing quite a few of my friends getting married lately and unfortunately it makes me think about marriage. As I am currently single, I don't have a person to put in that imaginary wedding dress next to me in my day dreams, but I'm starting to formulate an idea of what she'll be like. One of those things I need, is a girl who isn't a routine. Sure there's some routine to any relationship, but I need a decent amount of spontaneity and a certain amount of openness to my stupid spontaneity. Secondly, I've decided that people who think that rap music is the only music that's good for dancing aren't very creative. When dancing becomes just about looking cool, it gets boring, like a lot of music that it's normally danced to. When dancing and the music behind it are about doing what you feel and spontaneity and losing yourself in the music ("...the moment, you own it...")... that's heaven (and it's a place on earth). | | |
| Well. It has been a good little time since I've blogged. I got a little sick of feeling like I was opening up more to a computer screen than I was to most people. Now, I think it's a therapeutic idea. And I've learned that I collect my thoughts and can verbally communicate them more clearly if I can write them down first. If people wanna read it, sweet, if not, I'm still getting something from it.
Anywho, I had this sweet dream last night. I actually only remember a little bit of it, but it was hilarious. I usually don't remember dreams I have that are funny. I normally remember the ones that are scary or kind of epic or just interestingly odd. This may be my first remembered dream in comedy. I dreamt that I was in this lava land. everything was lava. We even walked on dried up lava-rock. And really, all I remember is that I'm laying on this magma after some momentous event has just occurred with one of my kids from the Boys & Girls Club called Dylan. Then Dylan and I looked to the East and in an ocean of magma there was this migrating of zombies. They were like the zombies from I Am Legend. Except, instead of swimming through the lava, like one might expect people looking things to do, they were bobbing up and down, real strait bodied with their hands at their sides. There were hundreds of them and the traveled in like really organized lines and rows and they were all barking like seals.
I know, weird, huh?! Yeah, so what do you guys think it means? I have my own theories. | | |
| Doesn't it kill you to think of how good something could have been?! Ugh...seeing pictures throws me back to some not so distant memories of a good thing that could have been. I feel kinda hung up on it...I saw a little bit of light, a glimmer of hope for a situation and I jumped at it, but my leap of faith came up short. Probably becaue that's what happens when we put our faith into the things that make sense to us. It's easier to put our faith in such things but more often than not, it's less rewarding. Why can't I wrap my head around this concept and just forget it. Just put it behind me and move on...it's because I saw that picture. Oh well...this will be my prayer
Oh God, You're great and strong and I'm weak. Not just weak in my body and weak in spirit but weak in my mind! But you, you are the definition of strength, and it's on loan with no interest and a lifetime payment of a devotion to a relationship that won't fail. It seems like such a good deal, but I have a hard time buying into it sometime, so God I pray that you would give me strength even when I don't have the strength to ask for it. I pray that you would give me good sense of mind and intuition that comes from the wisdom of your spirit. I pray that you help me just to move on, to put the past behind me and not harm my future and the present of others as I sit and mope over what could have been. Move my spirit in a direction that I can't move it myself. I'm sorry for trying to step outside of your will, and I'm SO thankfully that you wouldn't let me. Thank you for putting the obstacles in my way that I can't move, now help to turn this ship around. I love you. I need you. AMEN.
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